Seeing Jesus Clearly

I am hard on myself. Too hard some people say.
It's only because I know I'm the first Jesus my children will see.
I am the one who will establish Christ to them.
My actions equate to His.
And sometimes...
I just can't take the pressure.
It's too much.
Because, well, as much as I love Jesus and long to live as He did, I am not Him.
And my failure days are my whipping days.
I beat myself up. And wince at my shortcomings.
I wake up wondering if today my children might see Christ a little more clearly.


And then...
my feet hit the floor and I am 
moving, running, working, earning, gaining, losing...
and I show my weakness.
My humanness shines like the sun.
Another reason to keep me up tonight...my again-failure.


I crouch low to apologize for harsh words
or erroneously vented frustration.
For quick tempers
or rolling eyes.
For selfish agendas
or broken promises.
My eyes leveled with theirs.
I'm sorry.
And then a hug, 
an "I forgive you", 
an unaltered trust.


Two things I know...
In my contriteness, 
they can see Jesus quite clearly
and
In their forgiveness, 
I can too.