today

sometimes i get really mad that life doles out unspeakable tragedy. here i am living life, slowly gaining footing in my own emotional mess and then the rug is pulled out by news i wasn't prepared to receive. sometimes it makes me want to hole up and shut out the world. it seems like that would hurt less. 


sometimes i can only try to sympathize and empathize for so long and the i have to STOP. because i feel suffocated under the weight of grief, sadness, confusion. 


and then i get angry because i can turn it off. walk away. try to forget. but those living the tragedy...well...they are there. stuck. continuing to dwell in grief. forced to face it second by miserable second. moment by wearying moment. their lives never the same - changed forever.


and i want to make it better. make it easier. make it right. i want to shield the hurting. cover them in comfort. hurt for them. instead of them. yet scared to feel the depth of grief myself.


sometimes things that happen don't. make. any. stinking. sense. 


and it makes me want to rage at the world. at the universe. at myself. at God. because i want something or someone to blame. i want a place to take my hurt - and their hurt - and make it heard. and healed. but without the torturous process of grief.


today, on the near-side of this grief, i am mad at nonsensical loss. i don't want to have to admit the reality of great pain. i would rather live in denial. avoid the reality. 


but i can't. 


because somewhere far south are greatly grieving friends who must face at every millisecond the truth of their personal devastation. and the very least i can do is not turn off my own hurt. the very least i can do is allow my pain for them to send me to the very heart of the God who grieves too. whose heart is good and trustworthy. 


and so i will. i will take my hurt, my pain and give it over. i will lean hard into another's sadness. and feel. really feel for them. refusing numb compassion. i will allow it to consume my thoughts for a while. to be the one prayer i pray through gritted teeth and clenched fists and an incessant shaking head. i will let my tears fall. even when i don't understand. especially because i don't understand.


i will let God be God. and be mad about it today. because the things He allows just sometimes seem wrong. and unfair. but i will praise Him for He is God. the only One fit for the job. my view from here is, well, short-sighted. limited. finite. human. small.


i will trust Him. and hurt for my friends. and for the world full of unspeakable hurt. i will keep my heart and my head in His possession. just as my life is. short or long as it might be. and i will be thankful that i can feel. even when it means i hurt.