Tuesday, May 3, 2016

A Poem: Evolution of God

Life has been really busy for 2 straight years and I've about had it.
Recently, I have pulled back. I am trying to make some healthy adjustments.
One of the habits that has suffered during this frantic time is my writing.
Writing is a release for me.
A respite.
A place of peace.
And I haven't been visiting it much lately.
And so, here is my first piece of writing in a good bit.
It's raw. It's honest. 
But it's my journey (past and present).


Evolution of God 
(Portrait #1)

Waiting and working on me again.
Expecting You to show up.
I don’t know when; I don’t know how;
but I know You will.
You always do.

Thomas needed proof. 
To touch your wounds and know You were real.
To be certain You were true.

I need proof too.
Proof to know You aren’t the God I am leaving behind.
A god of only judgement and wrath;
limited in patience and mercy,
abounding in moodiness.

I need proof that this new look at You is real and true.
That it isn’t wrong to hope you aren’t a bastard
ready to smite me in my imperfection.

I keep replaying Pascal’s wager in my head.
What if I am wrong about who You are?
What if I am wrong about You?
What if I am wrong?
Hell seems too costly a bet, doesn’t it?

But I’m already here in hell 
if you are impossible to trust,
if You aren’t good.

I’ve known that hell.
Trying to please a cruel taskmaster.
Burying my talent for fear of failure.
Afraid to lift my eyes to Yours,
because I am sure I will only see disappointment.

I’ve listened to the marching orders;
all legalistic and concerned about the outside.
I’ve carried my whitewash and marched right into the tomb
and away from You.
Straight on into Hell anyway.
Because what if I am wrong?

So I ask the same old questions 
as I sit across from one with a degree and listening ear.
I explain the eroding of a god I believed existed but cannot follow now.

In the middle of my messy waiting and working,
as I work on how I see me and understand You;
You come into view.
Closer and closer.
Until I feel Your breath again.

You are more than I thought You were.
Bigger than previous glance.
Grander than first believed.
More mysterious than expected.

You show up, just like You always do.
And even while trying to hide away, 
I look up into Your face,
hoping to catch a glimpse without Your awareness.

And I see Your eyes awash with tears, 
and wonder for the first time if the tears are born from love, not disappointment?
And I see the fire in Your expression,
and wonder if I misinterpreted the fury? Was it really the thunder of laughter?
And I am blinded by the smile that bends Your mouth upward,
and dare to imagine what life would be like if You are more than I believed You were?

What if I was wrong?