Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Lost and Found

I grew up singing "Amazing Grace". It is a song dear to my heart and close to my memory. 

A few days ago, I was enjoying a "good day". One of those days where I felt strong and able. Not in a prideful kind-of-way, but in a competent, equipped kind-of-way. It felt good.  Really good. The last few years, navigating the murky waters of mothering three, has left me listless, spent, drained, unsure and defeated. But a few days ago, my heart-sun was shining and it felt good!

I remember thinking that I felt like my old self again. That phrase "old self" is simply my nomenclature for the expanse of time prior to my world unravelling. A time when I held my head higher with confidence. When my shoulders didn't slump from weariness. When I had no doubt I had a contribution to make to the world. When I looked into the face of a new day and met joy, not failure. That was my "old self". And the other day, I felt that.

Little by little, step by step, I have clung to the One who is certainty. To the One who is all Truth even when I was hearing the Lie. The Faith-weaver was leading me long through a wilderness time. A desert place. A dry and thirsty land of soul. I haven't always welcomed it. I have thrashed in revolt. I have screamed in misery. I have crumpled in despair. And yet, the Faithful One has triumphed. He has not let me go. And I have not run too far from His reach. He enabled me to set my mind firmly on what little I knew was True when my heart-legs were buckling beneath.

And then I remembered this phrase I've used before...I am finding myself again. Yes, indeed, I am finding myself again. Pieces of a life I had before. Pieces of a life still ahead for me. Pieces that lay dormant among a field of emotional landmines. Pieces that scattered like shrapnel when the full weight of life accosted.

I am finding myself again.

And then I heard it. 
Old lyrics. New meaning.
Familiar words. Fresh insight...

"I once was lost but now I'm found".

Of course! Of course. Amazing Grace indeed!
This grace that extends not only for the lost one who has not yet responded to Shepherd of Souls but this is a grace that extends even to this rescued sheep that struggles. This sheep who has felt lost, whose footing has been unsure. The sheep who has been surviving, just getting through each day. 

I have been lost. 

And I am being found.

Little by little, in small, minute ways...The Shepherd is leading me. And His faithfulness had led to being found...little piece by little piece. Broken piece by broken piece. Healed piece by healed piece. Hope by hope.

It is amazing grace and it's sound is oh so sweet. 

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