Friday, May 17, 2013

100 Posts and a Nudist Colony

This post marks the 100th time I have clicked "Publish" 
after writing a blog entry.

The 100th time I have laid a piece of me bare
for anyone who might find it.

Not too long ago, I went "public" with my blog.
What I mean is I told more than just a handful of people this spot exists.
For over a year, I wrote and published in near anonymity.
(As much as an open blog in cyber space can provide.)

I had held back from telling others about this residence of mine.
At first, I held back because this was my own personal experiment.
I love to journal but, for various reasons, am horribly inconsistent with it.

I have attempted typed document journals. 
And for every now and again, it worked.
But not usually.

At times, I found myself overwhelmed by the desire, 
dare I say the need,
to write, to create.

Yet I was unsure where to go 
when I felt this drive to record thoughts 
because I had no workable process.

So, this blog was born as my experiment to find a functional outlet
to keep track of some thoughts.

I am still pretty inconsistent.
But when I told a just a handful of people, 
I think it helped to dispense a measure of accountability for me.

This space, however, was still my space.
Made by me, for me.
And while I never intended to record deep dark places of my heart here, I wanted to be authentic and honest.

There is a dilemma, however. 
To reveal even a small measure of myself
is to make my entire self vulnerable.
And the fact was, I was afraid.

And that is the second reason I held back 
from sharing about this blog...
I was afraid.

Through the years, I have come to believe 
there are very few circumstances 
where the motivation of fear
is an adequate shot-caller.
Fear was calling my shots.
And I was withholding this blog because of fear.

I came to this conclusion...
six months down the road, I may regret the choice to share this spot, 
but I would rather share and wish I hadn't
then never do it at all.

And so, 
over time, 
with spousal encouragement,
my ever-so-cautious, 
risk-averse self, 
summoned up all my courage, 
unclenched my controlled grasp
and decided to make myself known
here at this web address
to the flesh and blood people 
with whom I live life.

Every click of the publish button has been a sort of undressing.
Like unabashedly visiting a virtual nudist colony.
Every public post finds a metaphorical me 
exposed and standing with arms wide open.
Like a position doubling as surrender and embrace.


And I am nothing but thankful.

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