after writing a blog entry.
The 100th time I have laid a piece of me bare
for anyone who might find it.
Not too long ago, I went "public" with my blog.
What I mean is I told more than just a handful of people this spot exists.
For over a year, I wrote and published in near anonymity.
(As much as an open blog in cyber space can provide.)
I had held back from telling others about this residence of mine.
At first, I held back because this was my own personal experiment.
I love to journal but, for various reasons, am horribly inconsistent with it.
I have attempted typed document journals.
And for every now and again, it worked.
But not usually.
At times, I found myself overwhelmed by the desire,
dare I say the need,
to write, to create.
Yet I was unsure where to go
when I felt this drive to record thoughts
because I had no workable process.
So, this blog was born as my experiment to find a functional outlet
to keep track of some thoughts.
I am still pretty inconsistent.
But when I told a just a handful of people,
I think it helped to dispense a measure of accountability for me.
This space, however, was still my space.
Made by me, for me.
And while I never intended to record deep dark places of my heart here, I wanted to be authentic and honest.
There is a dilemma, however.
To reveal even a small measure of myself
is to make my entire self vulnerable.
And the fact was, I was afraid.
And that is the second reason I held back
from sharing about this blog...
I was afraid.
Through the years, I have come to believe
there are very few circumstances
where the motivation of fear
is an adequate shot-caller.
Fear was calling my shots.
And I was withholding this blog because of fear.
I came to this conclusion...
six months down the road, I may regret the choice to share this spot,
but I would rather share and wish I hadn't
then never do it at all.
with spousal encouragement,
my ever-so-cautious,risk-averse self,
summoned up all my courage,
unclenched my controlled grasp
and decided to make myself known
here at this web address
to the flesh and blood people
with whom I live life.
Every click of the publish button has been a sort of undressing.
Like unabashedly visiting a virtual nudist colony.
Every public post finds a metaphorical me
exposed and standing with arms wide open.
Like a position doubling as surrender and embrace.
And I am nothing but thankful.